Planned and Wanted?

Coming to the end of my Obgyn rotation. Highly adrenaline fueled. Extremely hormonal. The estrogen progesterone and FSH imbalance. Overbearing cortisols. Results include a 4 month period of amenorrhea xD weight gain, hair loss, cold intolerance (to the freezing labour room) and eye bags that require both Meitu Xiuxiu Plus concealer to erase.

Despite that I got to say that i'm thankful for a bunch of warm bosses who actually care if we have taken our lunches. Infrequent moments during the less crazy days, but still great to be on the receiving end of kindness. Funny tho that this tiny trace of humanity's enough to amaze u. lol. what have we become. I guess i reached the point of familiarity that breeds comfort to the wards. Still have three more working days in the department (that i am praying really hard for peacefulness). Thank you Jesus for getting me thus far. phewh. 

It was back to teamwork teamwork teamwork in obgyn. there are times u feel like hugging ur colleague so tight for going the extra mile for u. there are times u tell urself its ok bcz u have been on the receiving end. whatever shit happens, u gotta js suck in any anger/frustration/hairpullingurge and keep going n do the best u can. 

Certain groups of patients or rather mothers, brought together with them a myriad of social issues. Unplanned teenage pregnancy (making it legally statutory rape?), marriage without certificates, single motherhood, unidentified mental retardation that was never brought to seek treatment since birth, the list goes on, sometimes its so absurd that u wonder if there's any hope left to educate, empower and gradually improve the people's socioeconomic status and quality of life. it's like a vicious cycle that the people are stuck in. Most of these girls live in the rural areas, get minimal basic schooling and grow up without dreams. the end point basically stops at getting a partner, getting married and having kids. they're home makers, the husband (or partner in cases where they dont register and get a legal marriage cert. honestly most ppl seem to be happy with being married the traditional way without a legal document, not realizing that they lose their rights in the event of abandonment by their partners. sad right) is the breadwinner. most doing hard labour. they dont do proper birth control (lack of awareness of the importance of birth control i suppose) and end up having one child per year. countless mothers at a mere age of 25 already having 5-6 children. someone tell me how they cope without going bonkers. it feels weird asking a 25 year old lady whether she has completed her family and would like to do BTL (tubal ligation). but its also irresponsible not to (right??). it's like u can already forsee her having 10 kids before she decides to BTL.

some liberal folks might argue that it's their right to have as many kids as they want, etc... but anyone can do the math and know that those children are going to grow up without the undivided attention and development every child deserves. most will be left to fend for themselves, get the basic formal education without guidance to dream big and achieve greater things. (i'm talking about the girls especially). and the vicious cycle continues.

we tried advising these ladies. birth control, its importance, female rights, the importance of getting a marriage certificate. social worker referral. get proper antenatal check up for ur baby. etc. to no avail. :S

so that's the ob experience in hospital sibu for u.

Celebrated my bday with lovely friends in sibu :)

the lovely girls from my cell group

alex em and ek guan

warm colleagues mostly from my first ortho posting (missing those days)

and celebrated with the family back home

Off to surgery next. Wish me luck! hee.

holiday rant

Ended my stint in Internal Medicine and heading on to obgyn tomorrow. how do i feel about it? Mixed feelings. there is the
- fear in anticipation of another new environment, new colleagues, new bosses new protocols
- excitement of re experiencing obgyn on another level
- missing the oddly comforting but familiar medical wards
couldn't help waking up today with a small amount of stress. the holiday withdrawal syndrome... >8/
cant help feeling dreary. is that a word? ahaha. dreadful + weary = dreary? not so dreadful. it's good to be home. i'm not weary. life just feels so mundane sometimes. like running on an endless track. you successfully reach one checkpoint, then u work towards reaching another. n it goes on. halfway in between you give urself a break, throw in a holiday or two to break the routine. on and off you go for something good for the boost. then u're back running on the track again. i don't dislike my routine, still ok with it i guess..
a few friends and i, we were just thinking about our job description. to be honest, I spend more time running up and down, filling forms, taking bloods and samples, calling up different parties etc than thinking or making decisions. i only think maybe 10-15% of the time i'm working. dont judge me. it's the nature of my current job. blame it on the lack of manpower or resources or the system. i dont know. ideally a training should probably equip me with skills on how to make better and safe decisions instead of train my stamina to join a marathon (and lose weight without trying too hard). of course there's always the 'if you take the extra initiative to learn, ask questions, study, research, challenge decisions (to an acceptable asian working culture extent)' out of ur current job description, you can always learn. there's the mentality that only smart/good/passionate/goldmedallist/distinction attaining people go to extra lengths to do that. but seriously, after a physically exhausting day's work, it takes super willpower to sit down n self study. and that's talking about self study. not about a mentoring system. now then people would put down a point that teaching or mentoring can only be done in teaching hospitals at an ideal capacity. in a non teaching hospital, superiors still pass on skills and knowledge through their decision making. true. but if you cut off the time spent running to the labs/tracing results by foot or via call/tracing old notes/tracing old films/tracing clinic cards/taking bloods (ok taking blood is a procedure afterall so its fine to take bloods)/running samples at the ABG machine (that works), you would have more time on ur hands to better communicate with patients, educate them proper about their illness, give holistic care, research about illnesses, generate discussion with ur colleagues/bosses, all that in the essence of becoming a safer doctor. some ppl may argue that you do that in ur medical school days, but u gotta rmb that the nature of this job requires lifelong and continuous learning. chucking the stereotypical asian kiasu mentality aside, most ppl love learning and teaching (maybe lol), and to pass on and educate another in order to work more effectively as a team is something invaluable.

That said, i'm not all hardcore into detesting doing all those manual stuffs cz well, we are still understaffed and who else to do all that if not the trainees lol. i will still do it with grit and hope my physical young? self will not fail me haha. thr's no doubt we hv more staff now compared to 5 yrs ago.

oh well. just some thoughts about a more ideal system. and ranting before i start tagging tmr. sigh. time to savour the remaining day. 8-)

a ton of ice might put out the fire

Patience is a virtue. patience is a virtue. patience is a virtue.

I literally say these words under my breath each time my adrenaline shoots up, precedented by the unexpected, the dreaded, the unbelievable things that happen when u dont need them to happen.

I'm reminded over and over again, to have grace, to forgive, to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Because I probably have been in their shoes before, or will be in future.

I admire those who are happy go lucky. taking life as it goes along. unperturbed by changes and hiccups. willing to do extra works that are due bcz of changes, without hard feelings or resentment. shucks, things happen, i'm still alive and happy, no sweat.

If only I could just feel that way.

I tried hard to be easy going and take things in my stride. I seriously tried.

But today, I just felt like someone just threw a huge rock into my face. Here you go, Wham. buh-bye. who cares.

not exactly the most intellectual post lol. n me being really vague is probably confusing to you who's reading. sigh. but i js cant rant it out publicly. just feeling really mad right now. @@

need a breather. need a holiday. lol.

End of first posting, more to come

Completed ortho and entering IMed soon. Several take aways from the last posting:
1. work as a team
2. work with humility
3. treat all aspects
4. (always try to) stay positive in all circumstances

Without a doubt, I've enjoyed the last 4 months in ortho. thank you great bosses, colleagues, staff! :)

had a very friendly n approachable mentor :P

cny 2014 in kuching

my first cny in sibu, visiting my paternal relatives, catching up with local friends who came back n bringing the feast outside the hospital :)

Walter mitty wha.. what? There's more to it.

Two things inspired the start of my 2014. 1) The secret life of walter mitty. 2) Wong fu profuction's short clip ONE ft Wang Lee Hom

Live life how you want it to be.

Don't hesitate, just do it, take chances.

Take all that comes in your way with a stride of positivity.

Also inspired me to save more $ for travel. 

Iceland

I love Ben Stiller. fan girl scream. :P

uhmazing blue eyes and cool rollerblading

Uhmazing landscape plus ben stiller rollerblading plus inspirational words on a sunburst photo #stating the obvious but can't help it

Entertaining hilarious parts of the movie: fighting over Stretching hercules, the dolphin shark confusion, and yes mountain blessing xD totally made my day. go watch it ! :P

Cheers

It's really pretty awesome how God gently took my hand and led me through that brief period of downturn i was facing. From what you can guess was a pretty sad post a few days back, I'm back to my old self again. :D assuming my old self = a cheerful xu vin. hehe.

was feeling pretty distressed, demotivated and tot the future looked bleak when the clock struck 12 into 2014 that day. was thinking of all the challenges i'm bound to face in the journey of advancing further into my career (that has barely js begun). partly or mostly due to the fact that I'm in an enjoyable posting now and bound to switch department in a month plus or so, (keeping fingers crossed), into a new department that has a history (past, present, future lol) of being mind bogglingly challenging with stressed up bosses. plus a good friend is leaving soon. sad face.

today however God reminded and reassured me of His presence. that though i fear much, He is always there to guide me through hard times, that He will give me the strength and perseverance. and things that I cannot predict or foresee are all in His control. that reassurance was comforting. x10000 it wasn't a coincidence that I walked into Bread of Life this morning and was greatly encouraged by the pastor's sermon about Living God's word daily and by faith bcz His words are not just strong, they are sharp, beautiful, precious and powerful. I was reminded to speak words that build ppl up, to love others, to have grace for others, to offer help to the needy. Another thing, to look positively into every situation, be thankful and live a life of joy.

It might not sound much in words. But I was uplifted this morning. Thank you Lord. :))) Hallelujah! 

Hello 2014 and future. Cheers to more running, tracing lab results, searching for missing xrays, getting urgent scans, venepuncture, line setting, interesting cases, interesting patients, offdays that deserve celebration, awesome movies, discovering more good food, shopping sales, vacations, precious time in kuching, perks in the workplace, growing more in my journey with the Lord, rare but lovely sunsets!

i just thought it would be nice to put this up at the end js cz it's cute. grins.

2014 onwards

Reminiscence. That's looking into the past. Pondering and relieving memories good and bad, some vivid some less. That only lasts for the moment. up to the last page of that diary, or the last picture in the photo album, or the first post u ever wrote on ur blog. and it's back to reality. Hello 2014. i do sound a tad sombre. hmm.
Don't feel like going through the year album. Great year filled with graduation, trips, a great break back home and then bidding my comfort zone goodbye to start work in Sibu. can't complain though. the road has been pretty smooth so far. but when I look ahead, it doesn't seem so.
Lots of contemplations. Admire how motivated, goal oriented and determined some ppl can be. they're driven by ambition and passion. It's really admirable. It separates them from those who choose to sit back and live lax and wait for opportunities to come knocking on their door. Doesnt happen in today's world unless you've got the extra cable to pull u up. then again, any form of success still requires hard work and perseverance. Having quite some time on my hands now has driven me into deep contemplation. simple and complex ones. as simple as to study or not to. as complex as how far and where do i want to go in this field. ok la it's actually not complex. lol. lack of motivation makes me wonder how i can inject some passion and inspiration into myself to get that drive to easily answer that simple question i throw at myself.
ooookkayy... before this gets toooo emo and down sodden, i think i shud just live in the moment for the day, cut myself some slack, and start tmr. (easier said than done heheh).