holiday rant

Ended my stint in Internal Medicine and heading on to obgyn tomorrow. how do i feel about it? Mixed feelings. there is the
- fear in anticipation of another new environment, new colleagues, new bosses new protocols
- excitement of re experiencing obgyn on another level
- missing the oddly comforting but familiar medical wards
couldn't help waking up today with a small amount of stress. the holiday withdrawal syndrome... >8/
cant help feeling dreary. is that a word? ahaha. dreadful + weary = dreary? not so dreadful. it's good to be home. i'm not weary. life just feels so mundane sometimes. like running on an endless track. you successfully reach one checkpoint, then u work towards reaching another. n it goes on. halfway in between you give urself a break, throw in a holiday or two to break the routine. on and off you go for something good for the boost. then u're back running on the track again. i don't dislike my routine, still ok with it i guess..
a few friends and i, we were just thinking about our job description. to be honest, I spend more time running up and down, filling forms, taking bloods and samples, calling up different parties etc than thinking or making decisions. i only think maybe 10-15% of the time i'm working. dont judge me. it's the nature of my current job. blame it on the lack of manpower or resources or the system. i dont know. ideally a training should probably equip me with skills on how to make better and safe decisions instead of train my stamina to join a marathon (and lose weight without trying too hard). of course there's always the 'if you take the extra initiative to learn, ask questions, study, research, challenge decisions (to an acceptable asian working culture extent)' out of ur current job description, you can always learn. there's the mentality that only smart/good/passionate/goldmedallist/distinction attaining people go to extra lengths to do that. but seriously, after a physically exhausting day's work, it takes super willpower to sit down n self study. and that's talking about self study. not about a mentoring system. now then people would put down a point that teaching or mentoring can only be done in teaching hospitals at an ideal capacity. in a non teaching hospital, superiors still pass on skills and knowledge through their decision making. true. but if you cut off the time spent running to the labs/tracing results by foot or via call/tracing old notes/tracing old films/tracing clinic cards/taking bloods (ok taking blood is a procedure afterall so its fine to take bloods)/running samples at the ABG machine (that works), you would have more time on ur hands to better communicate with patients, educate them proper about their illness, give holistic care, research about illnesses, generate discussion with ur colleagues/bosses, all that in the essence of becoming a safer doctor. some ppl may argue that you do that in ur medical school days, but u gotta rmb that the nature of this job requires lifelong and continuous learning. chucking the stereotypical asian kiasu mentality aside, most ppl love learning and teaching (maybe lol), and to pass on and educate another in order to work more effectively as a team is something invaluable.

That said, i'm not all hardcore into detesting doing all those manual stuffs cz well, we are still understaffed and who else to do all that if not the trainees lol. i will still do it with grit and hope my physical young? self will not fail me haha. thr's no doubt we hv more staff now compared to 5 yrs ago.

oh well. just some thoughts about a more ideal system. and ranting before i start tagging tmr. sigh. time to savour the remaining day. 8-)

a ton of ice might put out the fire

Patience is a virtue. patience is a virtue. patience is a virtue.

I literally say these words under my breath each time my adrenaline shoots up, precedented by the unexpected, the dreaded, the unbelievable things that happen when u dont need them to happen.

I'm reminded over and over again, to have grace, to forgive, to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Because I probably have been in their shoes before, or will be in future.

I admire those who are happy go lucky. taking life as it goes along. unperturbed by changes and hiccups. willing to do extra works that are due bcz of changes, without hard feelings or resentment. shucks, things happen, i'm still alive and happy, no sweat.

If only I could just feel that way.

I tried hard to be easy going and take things in my stride. I seriously tried.

But today, I just felt like someone just threw a huge rock into my face. Here you go, Wham. buh-bye. who cares.

not exactly the most intellectual post lol. n me being really vague is probably confusing to you who's reading. sigh. but i js cant rant it out publicly. just feeling really mad right now. @@

need a breather. need a holiday. lol.

End of first posting, more to come

Completed ortho and entering IMed soon. Several take aways from the last posting:
1. work as a team
2. work with humility
3. treat all aspects
4. (always try to) stay positive in all circumstances

Without a doubt, I've enjoyed the last 4 months in ortho. thank you great bosses, colleagues, staff! :)

had a very friendly n approachable mentor :P

cny 2014 in kuching

my first cny in sibu, visiting my paternal relatives, catching up with local friends who came back n bringing the feast outside the hospital :)

Walter mitty wha.. what? There's more to it.

Two things inspired the start of my 2014. 1) The secret life of walter mitty. 2) Wong fu profuction's short clip ONE ft Wang Lee Hom

Live life how you want it to be.

Don't hesitate, just do it, take chances.

Take all that comes in your way with a stride of positivity.

Also inspired me to save more $ for travel. 

Iceland

I love Ben Stiller. fan girl scream. :P

uhmazing blue eyes and cool rollerblading

Uhmazing landscape plus ben stiller rollerblading plus inspirational words on a sunburst photo #stating the obvious but can't help it

Entertaining hilarious parts of the movie: fighting over Stretching hercules, the dolphin shark confusion, and yes mountain blessing xD totally made my day. go watch it ! :P

Cheers

It's really pretty awesome how God gently took my hand and led me through that brief period of downturn i was facing. From what you can guess was a pretty sad post a few days back, I'm back to my old self again. :D assuming my old self = a cheerful xu vin. hehe.

was feeling pretty distressed, demotivated and tot the future looked bleak when the clock struck 12 into 2014 that day. was thinking of all the challenges i'm bound to face in the journey of advancing further into my career (that has barely js begun). partly or mostly due to the fact that I'm in an enjoyable posting now and bound to switch department in a month plus or so, (keeping fingers crossed), into a new department that has a history (past, present, future lol) of being mind bogglingly challenging with stressed up bosses. plus a good friend is leaving soon. sad face.

today however God reminded and reassured me of His presence. that though i fear much, He is always there to guide me through hard times, that He will give me the strength and perseverance. and things that I cannot predict or foresee are all in His control. that reassurance was comforting. x10000 it wasn't a coincidence that I walked into Bread of Life this morning and was greatly encouraged by the pastor's sermon about Living God's word daily and by faith bcz His words are not just strong, they are sharp, beautiful, precious and powerful. I was reminded to speak words that build ppl up, to love others, to have grace for others, to offer help to the needy. Another thing, to look positively into every situation, be thankful and live a life of joy.

It might not sound much in words. But I was uplifted this morning. Thank you Lord. :))) Hallelujah! 

Hello 2014 and future. Cheers to more running, tracing lab results, searching for missing xrays, getting urgent scans, venepuncture, line setting, interesting cases, interesting patients, offdays that deserve celebration, awesome movies, discovering more good food, shopping sales, vacations, precious time in kuching, perks in the workplace, growing more in my journey with the Lord, rare but lovely sunsets!

i just thought it would be nice to put this up at the end js cz it's cute. grins.

2014 onwards

Reminiscence. That's looking into the past. Pondering and relieving memories good and bad, some vivid some less. That only lasts for the moment. up to the last page of that diary, or the last picture in the photo album, or the first post u ever wrote on ur blog. and it's back to reality. Hello 2014. i do sound a tad sombre. hmm.
Don't feel like going through the year album. Great year filled with graduation, trips, a great break back home and then bidding my comfort zone goodbye to start work in Sibu. can't complain though. the road has been pretty smooth so far. but when I look ahead, it doesn't seem so.
Lots of contemplations. Admire how motivated, goal oriented and determined some ppl can be. they're driven by ambition and passion. It's really admirable. It separates them from those who choose to sit back and live lax and wait for opportunities to come knocking on their door. Doesnt happen in today's world unless you've got the extra cable to pull u up. then again, any form of success still requires hard work and perseverance. Having quite some time on my hands now has driven me into deep contemplation. simple and complex ones. as simple as to study or not to. as complex as how far and where do i want to go in this field. ok la it's actually not complex. lol. lack of motivation makes me wonder how i can inject some passion and inspiration into myself to get that drive to easily answer that simple question i throw at myself.
ooookkayy... before this gets toooo emo and down sodden, i think i shud just live in the moment for the day, cut myself some slack, and start tmr. (easier said than done heheh).

the Bomoh still wins

Looks like university memories never leave u. cz those were one of the best times u went through in the short 25 years lived so far. was looking through some old photos, brought a huge smile plastered onto my face.

on and off I'm being reminded that trust takes the lead in any decision ppl make. in the past 2 months of work in sibu, i've seen several, not just one, cases where patients decide to default treatment or refuse surgery bcz they opted for traditional medical treatment. Not the traditional medicine degree holder, but bomohs, massage men, kung fu master of sorts who practise in most often, the outskirts or rural areas. they live in vicinity of the folks, know them, interacted with them and have a strong relationship with them, prolly since the old great grandmother days where the practice was passed down through generations. (apologies if my sentences are incoherent/filled with grammatical error. rushing for time but kiasu wana post this up).and these cases aren't petty muscle aches that relief with analgesia / traditional meds that are pumped filled with steroids that give instantaneous and temporary relief, thus being dubbed 'magical' and making these medicine masters infamous for healing. these are cases of bone fractures with complete displacement / un-united fractures that need osteoclasis (breaking the bone, realignment to straighten it, and holding it together again in the correct alignment with plate n screws). there's a risk of bone deformity, limb shortening, malunion of bone. the patients are young (teens) who cannot make proper judgement (okla maybe they can). but they're influenced by ppl who're close to them. aunties n uncles n neighbours who have had 'similar' experiences with the medicine man in the kampung whose bone have healed nicely. obviously those were close fractures with minimal displacement that can unite on their own without much intervention other than splints.

the first few times I felt really frustrated. i was going on n on counselling the family, relatives, the patient. not to refuse surgery.

long story short, efforts were in vain. they requested to leave the hospital.

oh the frustration.

it was later on I realised it's a common practice. for folks to seek traditional healing rather than 'western' medicine. it's the element of trust we still cannot beat bcz i don't know, we lack the common touch, don't speak their lingo, don't fully understand their culture, have different skin colour (we cannot deny that there is an inherent unspoken bond that unite ppl of the same race together) etc.

all i could do was tell the patient that in the event the traditional medicine doesnt work, do not hesitate to come back.

Patient's autonomy after all. Sigh. hvg said that i don't deny that physical treatment doesn't constitute 100% of a healing process. there's still the human mental emotional factor.